I swear I’m human.

A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.
A.T.C.

Laudetur Iesus Christus!

Memorial of Saint Damien of Molokai, priest

Happy Saint Damien’s Day! I have had a bit of a devotion to him since I was little when I first read a bit about him and his work with the lepers of Molokai. It was not until I was older that I learned even more about his life and work. *Confession: I receive the SSPX’s newsletter and have since about 2004ish … I get it for the pictures of pretty vestments and the stories about more traditional Catholic practices that have fallen out of use in the Church … not the “Vatican II was a modernist council” malarcky* The American province of the SSPX did two issues of their Regina Coeli newsletter about Damien and his work on Molokai. I still have them filed away somewhere, they were very interesting reads. I had been praying and hoping for his canonization for so long; when he was elevated to the Altars of the Church, it was a happy day indeed. But yeah, we didn’t do the prayers for Saint Damien today at Mass which made me sad. I am using them when I pray my Office so that will do.

Today is also the ordination anniversary of a dear priest-friend of mine. Say a few prayers for him, please. He is a very good, solid, and holy priest (we beg God to provide His Church with more like him). I am very grateful that the Lord deigned that he would be assigned to SJA, even if for but the year he has been here. He starts a new assignment on 1 July. He also helped me to re-realize that it’s okay to like “to party like it’s 1962.” *wink* *wink* I mean, with how many people can you make references to maniples, amices, and stuff like that without getting puzzled looks or even scornful looks? Srsly. I rest my case.

Anywho, Imma watch “The Passion of Joan of Arc” tonight. I just wanted to write something now before I got down with my domestic side. I really like tying on my apron. It’s white with black polka dots, my parents got it for me for Christmas because I needed one. So glad I can use it now that I am home. Give me my apron, a fully-charged iPod, a few domestic duties, and a bit of time and I’ll be quite content.

Moving on …

It’s one of those glorious sunny days where the sky is a beautiful blue and there are not many (if any) clouds in the sky and if there are, they are those wispy cirrus clouds that look pretty anyway. I walked home post-Missam as usual after having accomplished a mission I had been given over at the office (go upstairs and get some boxes out of the Festival room) and prayed my daily Rosary. With the Luminous Mysteries, the background music is Adoro Te Devote, which I get stuck in my head constantly so I am trying to pray my Rosary while simultaneously mentally singing/humming the tune. This was one of the songs we sang at a Forty Hours Devotion for Life that we attended when I lived in Pittsburgh. It was put on by the Campus Ministry of the local secular universities (Pitt and Carnegie-Mellon) and it was glorious … nothing but traditional hymns and Latin up the wazoo. Not long after that, I came home. It was at that devotion that the Lord let me know it was all right to leave.

So as I am walking and praying my Rosary, I am looking around. Just like there is a special beauty to rainy days, there is a special beauty to sunny days. The way the sun shines through the canopy of leaves. The shadows the trees cast and the way when the wind blows even a bit, the leaves move in sync with the invisible force blowing through them. Just an immense peaceful feeling.

And I needed it. And I need it. There have been a lot of things on my mind lately. Things that need to get done: my mind can be very linear and systematic at times and other times more unpredictable than a LCWR convention or a Call to Action “Mass” but without the grave manifest heresy. Things that have been weighing on my heart and mind. Things that my mind has been pulling me in one direction and my heart in another. That can be incredibly painful mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Thank the Lord I have something of a poker face. Every time it comes back I am filled with happiness and then a pang that cuts to the pit of my heart (yes, I have a heart).

These are very strange feelings for one like me who can be a bit of an automaton at times and who has this dangerous ability to compartmentalize feelings from reality very well (it can be a blessing and a curse) to the point that I almost lose feeling. It won’t go away no matter how much I fight it and tell it to just go away. With a will like mine, I can get rid of feelings quite easily but in this case, not so much. I swear, I’m human. lol

When I got home (sorry I am dancing around, remember what I told you about my mind?), I ate what was left of my sub from Bommarito’s (they always taste even more EPIC the next day) and had a couple spoons of my Ben and Jerry’s “Americone Dream” (the Stephen Colbert ice cream) and headed up to my room. I walked into my room and threw myself into my bed and just stared for a bit because I am so internally exhausted that sometimes, I just need to stare at nothing. Then my eyes found my Mary altar that I have all decked out for May (I need to get her another candle) just as the sun was coming through the window behind it. The way the light hit Our Lady of Fatima made my heart light for a bit. A peace that lasted for a while and made my heart smile.

I know I made the right choice leaving. I know I had to do it for varied reasons. It still hurts like Purgatory sometimes but that’s mostly just me missing the sisters that came to be my friends.

Regardless of all that, I still feel like a bit of a failure at things. The perfectionist that I am, I expect nothing but the best from myself and I disappoint myself more than any of you care to know. And now, here I am wrestling this painfully beautiful thing that had kinda always been there but has reared its head since I came home. I am not convinced it’s not supposed to be there. I am just exhausted from it because of the inner turmoil. That and because I am not quite sure how to approach it.

And I was told that I think too much with my head and not enough with my heart?! HA! I’d say my heart is fighting a pretty dang good fight against my head right now. So good it’s exhausting.

Every time it comes up, I offer it to God, I tell Him to take it and help me feel peace again. It goes away for a time. But it comes back with a vengeance. With it comes the conflict. With it comes the feeling of joy. They happen simultaneously. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!!? It’s not supposed to work that way. There must be a reason. Why? I have no idea.

But yeah, so that’s what’s been going on with me! FUN! I need to get some stuff done and then I am working on rosaries. I ordered material for some nice glass ones yesterday (making a few special ones for some kids) and to replenish my shrinking stash of plastic beads for mission rosaries. I hope I get it before next Thursday. I want to work on them during Festival when I am sitting around at 2am and not wanting to fall asleep on my laptop. My pastor insists I did that a few times. I can’t believe he would think I would treat Aloysius like that! He’s like my firstborn. lol

Have a great day!
-Allie

PS
Just an observation that I make often at Mass when certain songs are sung. You can always pick out the ones that were neutered because instead of hearing “God” once, you hear it over and over and over in place of masculine pronouns. Yeah, that’s the scourge to the English language, liturgy, and prayer known as “inclusive language.” I dislike it with the passion of a thousand burning heretics (that was morbid). But if you’re going to use it, be consistent. Why? Because in those same songs, they say “God” over and over and over ad nauseam to not use “He, Him, or His” but they will use another word … “Lord!” Srsly. That’s a MALE noun, people. If you are going to get rid of all male words (thank God we don’t speak a gendered language like any romance language), be consistent! One of the few things that annoy me more than inclusive language, liturgical abuse, and heresy is inconsistency.

That is all.

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About Ms. Allie

I am a Catholic young woman who works as a Theology teacher at a Catholic high school in the Archdiocese of the Detroit. In Spring of 2015, I graduated with an MA in Theology with a concentration in Systematic Theology. My MA thesis was titled: "Mary as Woman of the Eucharist in the Theology of Pope Saint John Paul II." I also hold a BA in Theology (with a dabbling in Philosophy) and is a member of Theta Alpha Kappa (θΑΚ), the National Theology/Religious Studies Honor Society. Prayers are appreciated.
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