Laudetur Iesus Christus!
Nunc et in æternum! Amen.
Memorial of Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton, religious (She is the foundress of the Catholic school system in the United States)
It’s been a crazy past few weeks with preparations for Christmas and all the things connected thereto and such. Kinda why I haven’t been posting as much. That and I have started posts and not liked how they turned out. I don’t do drafts. I do tweaks but I don’t draft. Kinda like when I was in college. All of the papers I handed in were first drafts. Including the 20 page Theology ones. Sometimes, I would have friends look them over and besides saying, “You wrote a paper on this?” (my phenomenology paper was a real hit), they would say, “which draft is this?” I would say: “First and final, why?” “This seems like you’ve drafted it at least once.” “Nope. I just write it as it comes into my head. I have all my tabbed citations and references ready and when I have begun the paper, I already have an idea of what it’s going to look like.” It’s kinda like in the movie Amadeus when he [Mozart] says that he has everything in his head, all he has to do is write it down.
This is the scene where he is meeting the Holy Roman Emperor for the first time (though technically not) and Salieri (his rival) has written a welcome march for him. Start at about 7:30.
No I am not calling myself an intellectual or theological prodigy. It’s just how my mind works. That and I love this movie. That laugh. When I first saw it in high school, all the girls in my history class were imitating the laugh whenever he laughed. It annoyed the teacher but was totes worth it.
I have a feeling that when I start grad school, Imma have to actually bite the bullet and write a few drafts. lol Especially for my epic thesis. I am such a nerd. I am looking forward to that. A lot. So much on which I could write. So little time.
Oh, but over the past few weeks, the good Lord and Our Lady have been teaching me a lesson that I apparently have a rather big issue with: relying totally on Divine Providence.
For so long I have been relying on myself to get things done the way I want them to be. So for long I have wanted to have everything planned out just so in order that I may know what is coming and when it is coming. It’s part of being hyper-analytical, something I have dealt with my whole life but it really grew in college.
You can’t force the hand of God. Nor can you try to bribe Him or sweeten the deal. And I know that those things are impossible but, in my misguided pride and desire for control, I try anyway.
So yeah, I am not starting grad school this winter term. Trust me, I realllllllllly want to but it’s not really what I want as much as it is what He wants. Obviously, He has other plans for me at this point. While I have gotten all *shakes fist at the heavens* about it at times, I have to stop that because He’s probably saying something like, “Simmah down nah, Allie, things will work out better than you can imagine.”
Then He adds the kicker: “Trust me.”
I can understand having trust issues with other people but with God? For serious? How can I or anyone else for that matter not trust He Who is Truth and therefore can neither deceive nor be deceived?
I am hoping that I may be able to take some classes in the summer to make a dent in my credit load (luckily I had the course load planned out with me taking the minimum for remaining full time so, if I want to stay on track, I would just have to add a class or two to my semester schedules). But if all else fails, I hope to start in the Fall.
Just gotta trust.
Oh, and here is something a bit more immediate.
The March for Life.
I want to go.
I reallllllly want to go.
They are having two TLMs at the March. One in the morning and one in the evening (which is followed by a social for young adults). Juventutem Michigan has more info on it here.
One of my possible ways of getting there is all closed up. But I do have another possible way of getting there with a couple friends. I really want that to work out because I didn’t get to go last year because I was in the convent and we absolutely could not miss some inter-community formation retreat thing (I went to another one at the same place before while in formation and it was interesting … in all the wrong ways … except for some of the cool people I met and with whom I remain in contact even after I left formation). Frankly, I thought we could do more good going to the March than listening to erroneous pop theologians (or quasi-theologians) repeatedly refer to God as a woman and talk about the Church like she was a great oppressor. Not to mention that the Masses were hit or miss in so many ways (one of the priest-directors who were in attendance, thank God, said one valid Mass and had a great homily).
But I have a “caustic” personality so that’s probably just that coming out. lolz.
So yeah, I realllly want to go to the March. I have been lovingly nagging the Infant of Prague to find me a way there. I figure, He’s God, He can take it. If He wants me there, He will work it out. Doesn’t mean I can rest on my laurels about it but I have to at least try not to stress myself out about it too much.
Easier said than done with a personality like mine. lol
So I have been putting all of that in the Lord’s hands every day. Whenever it pops into my head, I give it to Him again. There is something immensely freeing about that. I just have to be more consistent. If I can say “God will provide” about the small things and to others, I should be able to say that about the big things and to myself. And mean it.
Who are we to not trust in the Providence of God? Whenever I go for my Rosary walks and I was looking around, the same thought always comes to mind, “Allie, if I know how many blades of grass there are or how many leaves are on these trees and their colors, do you not know how much more valuable you are to Me than these?”
It’s a total allusion to Saint Luke 12:6-7:
“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.”
And even more so to Saint Matthew 6: 25-34:
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O men of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, `What shall we eat?’ or `What shall we drink?’ or `What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek all these things; and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for the day.
My Theology degree at work right there! Whootz! Yes, I copied them from an online RSV-CE but I knew where to look. I just didn’t feel like paraphrasing. And they say Catholics don’t read the Bible. Ha. Have they ever been to Mass?
Anywho, those are the passages that come to mind when I go for my Rosary-walks and contemplate the things around me.
It’s immensely comforting to know that and grow deeper and deeper in belief in that. There is a difference between intellectually knowing something as opposed to believing it in one’s heart. I have learned that. Thank the Lord His Providence is not dependent on our faith. He would provide for us whether we believe or not. God is not a contingent being. He needs not a skerrick of anything we can give Him for Him to be complete. Everything He gives us is pure gift out of pure love.
And all that love is on account of nothing that we have done, it’s all because of His very nature that is love itself. God’s pretty awesome, isn’t He? And He feels such an all-consuming and encompassing love for each of us.
All right, I have to get ready for dinner. Just thought I would post something to prove that I am, in fact still here. I hope your Christmastide has been blessed and your new year begun well!