Laudetur Iesus Christus!
Memorial of Saint Boniface, Bishop and Martyr
Before I start my post, I ask you to pray for the repose of the soul of Archbishop Vigneron (metropolitan Archbishop of Detroit)’s father who passed away this afternoon (5 June). He was 92.
V: Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord.
R: And let perpetual light shine upon him.
V: May he rest in peace.
V: May his soul and all the souls of the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace.
Of course Imma do it in Latin too (why wouldn’t I?)!
V: Requiem æternam dona eis, Domine.
R: Et lux perpetua luceat eis.
V: Requiescat in pace.
V: Anima eius et animæ omnium fidelium defunctorum per Dei misericordiam requiescant in pace.
Oh, and another thing. Some have been asking me my input on what’s been going on with the LCWR and their being investigated and reformed by the Vatican and the dust-up that has been rightly created by the just plain heretical book by a Mercy Sister that has been condemned by the CDF. If you really want to know, check out my Twitter feed and you’ll get an idea of where I stand on the whole schtick.
If this gives you any idea, I was “un-friended” on Facebook not very long ago by a religious sister from a particular order (not my dear Felicians) with whom I have a history of getting into doctrinal debates. “Let’s dialogue” is code for “Imma try to get you to change your ‘rigid, backwards, and closed-minded’ stance to be more ‘inclusive’ and more ‘in line with the Spirit of Vatican II.’” She kept offering to have a Skype chat about it but that never materialized. I had to stop reading her blog and listening to her podcasts after a while because I found myself grinding my teeth and and rolling my eyes too much (even for me). When I told some friends what had happened, they considered it a small victory. She probably did not like all the links I posted on my Facebook wall from Father Z’s blog. Sorry (actually, I’m not), I am a young Catholic woman who happens to think that if Holy Mother Church says you are doing something wrong, then there are pretty good odds that you better follow what she says, straighten up and fly right, or prepare for the consequences. I am sick TO DEATH of all the caterwauling about how the hierarchy hates women, is backwards, and is its own worst enemy. Ha! I could make some comments but I’ll try to practice a bit of prudence here. Lord knows I need to work on that virtue.
*gets off soapbox* Can you tell this stuff annoys me just a bit? Just a smidge.
All right. *deep breath* I’m all right now. Who am I kidding? No I’m not. But it’s too late now for me to go on a rant about that. I want to write about something else right now. Maybe in a couple days I’ll write something. I just got my filter fixed. After that one time I ripped it out it did not work the same so I had to get it repaired with some prayer and a few good chats with friends in person and over text message.
You may recognize my title from a previous post whence I truly believe the Lord put that phrase onto/into my heart (9 years of Catholic grammar schooling down the tubes … I do love diagramming sentences though) because He, being the omniscient God that He is, knew that I needed it at that point.
Well, He done gone did it again today. He actually does it quite often (one of the many, many reasons why I love Him). When He does that, it’s kinda like when I was little and my parents would go out of town/the country on business trips and we (my younger sister and I) would be with my grandparents for a week or so. Though my parents were gone, my mother would leave us little notes in random things that we would have. She would leave them in our backpacks, our pencil cases, lunch boxes, etc. I still have some of them with little messages written in blue glittery gel pen (remember those things?).
When my mother would leave us those notes, it was to remind us that we were never far from her mind or heart. I really think that when He puts those things on my heart, it’s like Him reminding me that I am really not that far from Him or His Heart (June is the month of the Sacred Heart after all). It’s like He is reassuring me that no matter what burdens may weigh me down, He will always be there to give me the grace I need.
There have been a wide variety of things that have been weighing on my heart. Some things are much bigger than others. Thankfully, it seems like some of those large things have quieted down (hopefully for a very long time, please God). But one thing has been plaguing me like nothing else: grad school.
There have been times when I kinda regret entering the convent in the first place. But that is mostly rooted in my drive to get things done. My ultilitarian mind tells me that all I did was waste valuable time that could have been spent in graduate school. I could have my MA in Theology already and have a good job in my field. But no, I did the “convent thing” and now I can’t even find a decent job *humbug*. I could be working for that which I have always wanted. But no. I’m not. And it only seems like now it’s going to be harder to get back into things.
Then my angel smacks me in the head and the Lord does that thing He does. How does my angel smack me in the head? Ha! If he had a body, I would have a huge hand print on the back of my head (I have a rather pronounced external occipital protuberance). He and the Lord work together, just when I am getting all “bah humbug” … wam! They get me!
Well, they did it today. I was in church at my usual 7:30am-ish time. I always pray my Office first thing. I check the Ordo on my iPod (there’s wireless in church and no, I won’t give the password), set my ribbons, and get down to bid-ness.
I am praying my Office when one of the prayers or psalms hits me. WHAM! The thing is that I cannot remember which one it was. It must have been just for that moment otherwise I would still remember. Allz I knowz is that when I read the first line, I looked up at Him, rolled my eyes, and thanked Him. Yes, I roll my eyes at the Lord. Not disrespectfully. God knows what I am going to do before I do it so why disappoint Him?
Suddenly, that phrase came back: “I am your one and only solace.” And that peaceful feeling washed over me once again. God is good. Deus providebit.
At that moment, I got one of the Lord’s notes: “Your time was not wasted there. There was a reason. You may not see it now but there was a reason. I am always with you.”
Daaaaaaang. And people wonder why I love Him so much? Ha!
But, being the fallen being that I am, I was still worried about things.
Then came the hand to the back of the head.
“Allie, trust Me. You’ll be fine. Things will work out the way I want them to. You just have to learn to trust more.”
Trust. That’s what I need to grow in: trust. It’s hard for a person like me who likes everything to be planned out in advance, with logical courses of action, clear goals, and all that jazz. Life ain’t like that, m’dear.
But that’s the systematic side of me. Which is why I LOVED being an MC (don’t condemn me, it was my Jedi Master who trained me): there was a set order and way of doing things. You did this at a weekday Mass. You did this at a Sunday Mass. There were special things for solemnities and holy days. Everything had its place and its order. If something was out of place I better fix it ASAP. Which is probably another reason why I LOVED training altar servers. Besides teaching them little bits of liturgical trivia (which they, for the most part, LOVED too), I would show them how important it was to anticipate what was going to be needed. Never wait for the priest to ask. You must anticipate what he needs before he needs it. Sounds hard but once you get the hang of it, it’s like second nature. That and the kids loved reading my books on the different liturgical actions of the Church (I love my red and green books).
It was at that moment that I realized that if I trust in God, He would provide. Sure the list of things to be done before 15 August (the last day to enroll for the Fall term at the seminary) may be daunting but if I gave it to the Lord, He would provide. Like Augustine says (paraphrasing): “Work as if everything depended on you, and pray as if everything depended on God.”
Well, hopefully soon, I will be able to start on that list. My biggest hurdle of doom is my license. People don’t realize how much that pains me when they ask if I got it yet. It’s an incredibly sore spot for me for various reasons (pride may or may not be one of them). Some known only to me and a couple chosen persons. I don’t tell others that because they are apt to say that I am just making excuses. If only they knew. If only they knew.
There are times when I just want to crash my head through a granite countertop at my lack of cajones to just get it done. I want to. Honest to God I do but it seems that whenever I try to get it done, something HUGE and HORRIBLE happens that keeps me from accomplishing it. Suddenly, it has to go on the back burner. There are bigger fish to fry than this minnow. And that’s how it’s been since I was in high school. Whenever I would want to do it, something would happen. Something HORRIBLE. So after a while, I just gave up. You can only be shut down so many times before you just throw your hands up and just give up. I know it’s not the right attitude but if you have experienced what I have, you’d understand perfectly.
But now, I am determined. My determination to do this was stoked when I went to TLM in April and realized that I have a pronounced preference for the EF and since no one else in my family shared my ardour for it, Imma have to get myself there mantilla, missal, and all. It was stoked by my determination that I WILL BE IN GRADUATE SCHOOL THIS FALL (or this winter at the latest). I cannot keep going like this. I need to get back into school. I don’t want to wait any longer. While I am starting to cease viewing my time in the convent as an unnecessary delay (because in the grand scheme of things, I grew and it was the will of God no matter how much I may question it at times), I need to do this. I need to get back into the classroom. I need to pop more neurons. I want to write a 60-page Master’s thesis on some random theological topic. I want to graduate and have the gown that has Harry Potter sleeves. I do not want to be an aimless drifter. I need to become more independent. My goal is to gradually work up enough cash monies and such that I can move out of my parents’ house. That, or if God wants it, meet a nice trad Catholic guy who gets my twisted sense of humor and settle down and have a hockey team’s worth of kids (college friends know how much of a change that is from a few years ago. Quote: “I’m never having kids.”). I need to be independent. Not excessively so but I would like to prove to myself that I can provide for myself without being overly dependent on others.
I need to work on confidence. Some think I have all the confidence in the world. Yeah, when I am talking Theology or something like that. But my pride (bah) was severely wounded by my failing my driving test in August. I felt utterly worthless and at times, I still kinda do. I know, I should not feel that but when you are a perfectionist like me, that’s how you feel when you fail. Hence my drive to graduate with honors (check). To not do a victory lap in college (check). To carry extra credit hours every semester (check). To keep failure to a bare minimum (check). Let’s just say that if I did not make Dean’s List any semester, I was pretty disappointed with myself. Luckily, I was on a particularly good streak my upperclass years of college where I was averaging about a 3.8-ish a semester (and that was before the Tai Chi and Yoga classes … which I lurved).
My sister also thinks that my choice to take my driving test in my mother’s Ford Edge was the “kiss of death” because it’s so big (nvm that those dang rear back up beepers gave me panic attacks thinking was was closer than I really was). I should have taken my test in her Pontiac Vibe because then the dreaded parallel parking and reverse parking would not have been nearly as “OMG Imma FAIL then DIE!!!!” Hopefully, she’ll let me practice and take my test in her car. I just need to take some anti-anxiety attack meds. jk … maybe … lolz.
Those two things are my weaknesses. Add to that my obsessive perfectionism and you have the hyper-analytical mess that is ME! Oh, and my fixation with right angles. That’s going away pretty fast, thank God, hopefully for good. I’m a strange cookie. A strange peanut butter cookie of neuroses.
But yeah, I need to trust in the Lord more. When I put things into His hands, I need to let them go completely. I can’t have strings attached to them. I need to trust more. I need to trust more. I need to trust more.
I believe that when I learn to trust in the Lord more, then and only then will I begin to experience the solace that my heart and soul long for so ardently. Then and only then will things begin to truly fall into place. My erroneous belief that my months in the convent were a waste will go away totally. My lack of confidence in myself will be diminished. And my healthy good kind of pride will grow (there is a good kind of pride).
Please pray for me. I really need the prayers. More than I know. I have a lot to accomplish. License. Take the GRE (ugh). Do all the fun stuff pre-entering grad school. Go for an interview (need to make that appointment ASAP). Get all/most of my ducks in a line. Find out how the heck Imma pay for this (GOD WILL PROVIDE). A lot on my plate. My Rosary and I are going to be best buds in the coming months. So will my spot in church (I’m a church lady, of course I have a spot in church!). And that beautiful man Whose arms are perpetually outstretched accepting all of my troubles and burdens and giving me all the more in love and grace.
So much for going to bed before midnight. Ha! Murphy’s law: Say one thing will happen and the opposite comes to fruition.
Have a wonderful evening!